Following years of untreated abuse my adolescent and early adult years were filled with on and off experimentation of this or that various drug. I felt like I had friends, I was able to escape from the reality of pain that I would feel when I was sober and mostly I felt like I was the one who was in control of my life. I felt in control because I could do what I wanted, when I wanted while I was out partying and getting high.
I still kept myself in controlling relationships so not only was I lying to myself about being in control, I was lying to be able to go do what i wanted as well. I was lying to everyone including myself. Having a noticeable drug addiction is something in itself, people can harp on you all they want to try and fix you, but having one that people don’t know about, that all your “friends” thought was ok to have too, I didn’t think it would ever end, it’s all I wanted and could think about. I was neglecting school, my family and my true-self. After a two year party rampage of cocaine (these were just the two years after my son was born, there were other things before but this was the worst of it)
I couldn’t keep going like this. I was high out of my mind and something snapped, I didn’t want to be high anymore, I didn’t want to be that example for my kid, I didn’t want to live my life with years just being flashes of forgotten memories, I threw away my entire stash, I detoxed on my own and six months later I told my narcissist husband at the time about everything I had been doing, the drugs, the partying and how the abuse had effected me. He continued to blame other things and it took me a year of sobriety but I was able to free myself from the abusive relationship, remain sober and now my son and I live a happy and healthy life and for that I couldn’t be more thankful.
Addiction can be brought on by many things and sometimes we get stuck in a cycle where we blame ourselves for the addiction and then it only continues because you still hold on to calling yourself an addict. The mind is a crazy powerful thing and it can do amazing or horrible things when we let it. The biggest thing that I learned from my addiction is that there is always something greater we can put above it <3 let me help you find your greater joy and break free!